EP. 16 Change Your Perspective, Change Your Life!

Hi! I’m listening all the episodes that I lost and I got to this one.
It really resonated with me.
I don’t know if you guys will see this, but well, I’ll write.
I feel a lot of pain. And it YEARS for a diagnosis. Well, an initial diagnosis. I was searching for others and then the pandemic hit and everything stopped. Including most of my treatments.
I feel so much pain that I accidentally overdosed about 2 years ago. I was in such pain that I forgot the dose of the medicine or I couldn’t remember if I already had taken it, so I took it again. And again. And again.
As my disease is a invisible disease like people say, I was apparently normal. I felt pain because I’m overweight. I mean. No. The pain was and is excruciating. Everyday. Every night. I couldn’t hold my nephew for almost an year. And he was one going on two. So when I got a bit better I started picking him up again, because I was missing out. I’ll never have kids. He was it. He was my opportunity. To love. To be loved. Everyone said to me: don’t pick him up. You’ll be in bed for 2-3 days. And… I don’t care. He is really heavy now. He is 5. I still pick him up now and then. I still stay 2 days in bed afterwards. I don’t care. It’s worth it. I’m grateful that I’m able to pick him up. Now I have a niece. She will be turning 2 months in 3 days. I pick her up every chance I can. I feel pain, even she’s little. I’m in bed 2 days in a row. Because now I pick her and play with him. So at the end of the day I’m really flared up. With so much pain that my brother has to give us a ride (I live with my nome – she is still my primary caregiver. And most of the days I need. Well, in fact, I can’t live the house alone, so… it’s with her). Anyway I was bullied at work. Lost all of my so called friends. Nobody really believed me. Even the nurse in the ER. She looked at me and said you? Again? I bet you still tired. Want a day from work. I have chronic fatigue as well. Well, anyway. I was diagnosed with ankylosis spondylitis. It’s not really rare, but I never hear about it. And as it was a late diagnosis I already had some vertebrae that were turned into bone. So this hurts a lot, but I am so grateful that they finally diagnosed this. They retired me at 38 years old. That crushed me. But at the same time I can feel pain and don’t have several people basically despising me. And it’s great because I can spend more time with my nephew and now niece. My sister in law and my brother never went to his school reunions. Since he was 6 months old is me, and recently my mom as well, of course. I was diagnosed (lately) with bipolar disorder as well. And now at 40, I was diagnosed lately of course, with borderline. It totally explained to me why I’m such a bitch most of the time. Particularly when I was a teenager. And why I don’t have any kind of filter to speak. I have panic, anxiety, agoraphobia… I’m really grateful that now I know and I’m able to try to treat it (after the pandemic). And I’m able to finally forgive me for so many things in life. I have a therapist (the same for almost 10 years – I had many others before) that always says that I’m really intelligent and I always feel like a looser. Like a failure. And now, finally I know that’s not my fault. So … I’m grateful for so many things. Some people say I’m strong to be able to feel so many pain and still smile. I’m not strong. I’m grateful for being able to understand me more.
I really need to do that enneagram test. It’s kinda expensive for me $12 like you said in the other episode. But I’ll do it. I think it will help me as well.
Be well. Be safe. Be home. Be healthy.
Hugs,
Lilian